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Thursday, January 16, 2020

The C Word

I keep sitting down to write this post but I just never really know how to word things.
Sure I announced it already briefly on Facebook and Instagram however
things always feel more personal here on my beloved blog
so I am just going to rip the band-aid off...
because I am still in complete surreal shock that the "C" word is now suddenly part of our life!
My amazing gorgeous husband was diagnosed with high-grade aggressive cancer on December 12,
the day after his 44th birthday.
That's why I haven't been blogging.  That's why I may continue to post sporadically.
Absolutely everything is upside down.
We've had months on end of awful bad luck...it feels like someones put a curse on us honestly!!!
This has had a tectonic effect on our lives as much as we don't want to admit that it hasn't.
Everything feels surreal...everything normal feels wrong even though he wants normal.
We have done everything right, we don't smoke, drink, eat meat etc etc etc...
why us?  why him??
I am full of anger like never before...
I am having a hard time being near anyone who gets to move on with life normally without cancer...
which really essentially feels like everyone!  I keep counting just how many people I know and
it's striking me over & over again just how many people don't have to go through this and it's
making it even more difficult to not constantly ask "Why Jonathan", "Why Us?"
I just don't understand and I am feeling extremely alone and completely exhausted already.

It started back in September with a foot injury.
That foot injury a week later lead to two pulmonary embolisms
which landed him in the Critical Care Unit
where he could have died had one of those clots went to his heart instead of his lungs.
They did SO many tests.  They took SO much blood...we thought that was the scariest part.
When we walked out of there weary but saying "Atleast we know you don't have any kind of cancer".
But the problems kept coming.  Then there were blood thinners.
And countless more visits to the ER, ACU & CDU...
Doctors started throwing around the word Cancer around November & we just didn't believe them.
But then a scope (which should have been done last February and I think we should sue our old doctors for negligence!) showed a tumor growing on the lower left inside of his bladder.
That's all I am going to say today...we are smack dab in the middle of the story now.
Two resections have been done already.  They've been really hard,
especially because my honey has a high tolerance to pain-meds & nothing really helps him..
It's also been an endless torturous amount of waiting on results...that continues...
The fear is paralyzing.
I am tired of everyone telling me 'not to worry'...it's cancer, it's the scariest thing we've ever faced.
But as my love says "we're going to fight like a rabbit to beat this fucken thing".
And because he wants 'normal' I am trying to get into my studios and work but really I just find I sit there and stare off into space...wondering over and over again "Why Us"...
Why him?  There we were happily as can be, not wanting anything more than our time together,
to be in our cozy little home together, with our family of rescue rabbits...WHY US???
Knowing that cancer is completely indiscriminate and random doesn't help out whatsoever.

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