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Saturday, May 9, 2020

Chronic Life Silver Linings

So with a neurological disease in the form of chronic migraines
and a disease of the nervous system in the form of fibromyalgia,
Some days I really really struggle...well let me be truthful, most days I struggle.
I TRY to see my body as a magical and intelligent vehicle but often I hate this body of mine...
not for how it looks but for how it feels & makes me struggle & fight just to have a normal day.
I am really struggling still with the fact that I now have two chronic pain illnesses.  1 was enough!

On days when I need to be extra strong for my loved ones, like during our many hospitals visits,
I often feel like I am falling short because I am suffering so much myself.
It often feels like by the time I deal with what's happening on the inside of me,
I just don't have enough energy left to deal with all the crap that's going on on the outside of me.
I worry I am not giving enough to others and I am really struggling with that sense of weakness.
Especially since my husbands cancer diagnosis. I feel like I have to be stronger than ever before
but the truth of it is, I've never ever felt so weak in my whole life.

BUT all that being said, I am also feeling quite uncharacteristically unapologetic.
I have been zoning in on my priorities because I have to shave the nonsense away.
I am concentrating on; taking care of me, my family and my art business (because it's been put on the back burner the last year or so and that's not feeling okay with me whatsoever, I believe in my work).
Since my loves cancer diagnosis and since my own diagnosis's,
I can now more clearly focus on what's important in my days &
I am finding I can let the shit go easier, either that or I am just not putting myself so near it anymore!
There's a streamlining of priorities happening & that's a really good thing, a silver lining if you will.

And because of it, the streamlining I mean,
I have been able to find just a smidgen more energy to give....
to myself, to my loved ones &  to my business...
it's happening, there's movement and that's heartening.
It's still hard...some days are harder than others.
Because when I open my eyes to just how debilitating each of these diseases are all on their own,
let alone together, sometimes all the facts push me down, wayyy down
& it takes me awhile to crawl my way back up again!
BUT it's all a 'work in progress' & I am happy to share my struggles along the way.

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