Banana Bread Kinda Day

I've been working hard but I've also been resting hard.

When you live with chronic pain, you just at some point have to succumb to resting your body.

So I'll work for a couple hours and than I am going to give in to what my body wants!

Some days I can't rest but today is feeling quiet & like there's room to take it easy.

So since I had another night of bad sleep, woke up with a very sore head & it's snowing out!
It's mostly going to be a resting, reading, snuggling buns, make banana bread kinda day!

Chronic Life Silver Linings

So with a neurological disease in the form of chronic migraines
and a disease of the nervous system in the form of fibromyalgia,
Some days I really really struggle...well let me be truthful, most days I struggle.
I TRY to see my body as a magical and intelligent vehicle but often I hate this body of mine...

not for how it looks but for how it feels & makes me struggle & fight just to have a normal day.

I am really struggling still with the fact that I now have two chronic pain illnesses.  1 was enough!

On days when I need to be extra strong for my loved ones, like during our many hospitals visits,

I often feel like I am falling short because I am suffering so much myself.
It often feels like by the time I deal with what's happening on the inside of me,
I just don't have enough energy left to deal with all the crap that's going on on the outside of me.

I worry I am not giving enough to others and I am really struggling with that sense of weakness.
Especially since my husbands cancer diagnosis. I feel like I have to be stronger than ever before
but the truth of it is, I've never ever felt so weak in my whole life.

BUT all that being said, I am also feeling quite uncharacteristically unapologetic.
I have been zoning in on my priorities because I have to shave the nonsense away.
I am concentrating on; taking care of me, my family and my art business (because it's been put on the back burner the last year or so and that's not feeling okay with me whatsoever, I believe in my work).

Since my loves cancer diagnosis and since my own diagnosis's,
I can now more clearly focus on what's important in my days &
I am finding I can let the shit go easier, either that or I am just not putting myself so near it anymore!
There's a streamlining of priorities happening & that's a really good thing, a silver lining if you will.

And because of it, the streamlining I mean,
I have been able to find just a smidgen more energy to give....
to myself, to my loved ones &  to my business...
it's happening, there's movement and that's heartening.
It's still hard...some days are harder than others.

Because when I open my eyes to just how debilitating each of these diseases are all on their own,
let alone together, sometimes all the facts push me down, wayyy down
& it takes me awhile to crawl my way back up again!
BUT it's all a 'work in progress' & I am happy to share my struggles along the way.

Prsent In Pain

This has been a hard week...well a hard month really.
The weather is my biggest trigger & it's been very constantly up and down.

I've spent more time horizontal than standing up being productive this past week...
which I find really difficult because whiles sure the pain sucks big time, I love getting things done.

BUT as much as it sucks, I think I am still mostly able to be 'present' in my life
during and despite the pain and I really do think that that attitude of 'being present', helps me out.

It's a scary statistic of something like 40% of migraine sufferers also suffer from serious depression.
But I think I stay away from getting too down by being "present".
How do I do that even when in great amounts of pain?

I make sure I am concentrating on all the beautiful things happening around me as I am suffering.
Even if I can't open my eyes, I make my ears zone in on the 'happy sounds' like;
my honey moving about the house & having a whole conversation with one of the 9 buns;
Stacks of books by the bed that I can jump into as soon as the pain passes;
The sound of the buns eating or my hon cooking is one of the best sound whether I am in pain or not.
I think about a new image I can't wait to make progress on once I can get back into the studio.
I stay present by basking in the beauty of all the sweetness around me despite the pain...
like knowing when one of the buns is on the bed and reaching out to touch a warm precious body.
The buns keep me present, they are like angels, literally standing over me concerned, watching, loving, supporting, waiting for me to get back to my normal self
and no amount of pain can knock the beauty of that away from me.

I might have a life riddled with difficult pain sure

but my oh my there's so so much beauty mixed in there as well....SO much.

Fibro Flares

I am still really struggling with my diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

It's a game of what is the fibro, what is a flare up and what is something else to worry about.

On top of my chronic head pain it just feels like too much for my body to deal with

and now with my husband going through cancer,

there are days when I want to scream at the top of my lungs 'Enough...I can't take anymore..."

I need to be extra physically strong for both of us right now, for the rabbits too but

usually it's my honey who is the strong one, and the one who takes care of me & of us when I can't...

yet some days, after the pain, I am left with hardly enough energy to get by,

so I have really been struggling.

I can't tell you how I dream of someone kind, recognizing our hard time

& just leaving a pot of vegan soup on our doorstep to help us out!

I have also been dealing with a really really sore hip.

My doctor said it was likely bursitis of the hip

so last week I got a cortisone injection but it hasn't helped whatsoever.

And I am disappointed because I really needed a quick fix on this one for a change!

The pain keeps me up at night & grates on me all day long.  I am left again wanting to scream.

I am going to start physiotherapy soon, but I want/need a solution like yesterday.

And this is the thing I am finding tricky with the fibromyalgia...

I left this hip pain way way too long.

I just was assuming it was part of the fibro.

And when my head is sore all the damn time, on top of my love, on top of sick rabbits,

I just don't want to go for another appointment so I tell myself 'you'll heal' or 'it'll go away'.

And there is my lesson, don't assume everything is the fibromyalgia...

Ugh...why can't this little body of mine take it easy on me for a change!

Peach Petal Perfection

Some days are just about getting through the day with as much gratitude as possible despite the pain

Some days are just about breathing & basking in the perfection of the peach petals in front of you.

A Home For The Pain

Just a day back in summer when I had a wretched time with like a two week migraine...

I was hiding from the sun during the day & looked forward to dimly lite time on the deck at night.

Other people might not 'get' this house of ours but it embraces us so fully.
We both work so very hard making this place cozy for exactly these kind of pain-riddled times.

Getting Back To It...I Hope!

Sorry for that sudden long absence you guys...it's been a rough go.  I was diagnosed with another chronic invisible illness and about a week after that my honey hurt himself and he almost died...

But I think things are calming down, I've missed this blog of mine.  Give me a chance to catch up

and I'll let you all know briefly what's been going on.  Thanks everyone for your patience XO.

Create A Life Of Purpose

Recently I was chatting with my friend Yan about the animal sanctuaries we've created,
theirs with farm animals, ours with rabbits (and with some other creatures along the way as well).
We chatted about how support for our animals families can often times feel very thin
and how it's next to impossible to travel because that external support can be very hard to find.
But Yan put it like this "We've created a life with purpose and what's better than that",
no trip around the world can ever replace this life we've sculpted for ourselves &
our animal friends and family to have beautiful safe sanctuary in constant love and peace.

For me, my life of purpose also includes learning, almost on a daily basis to deal and contend
with all the pain I have to live with & to maybe inspire other sufferers along the way.
To carve out time to create happy images that may just add some charm to this big bad world
on top of creating this loving cozy kind vegan safe home and sanctuary for my love of 25 years &
all of our wayward misfit buns.
I am loving my life...this life of purpose...there's very very little I would change about it.
Are you loving yours? & if not what are you waiting for??

Some Days Just Look Like This

When your a chronic-pain sufferer, like me, some days just look an awful lot like this...

your horizontal, your feet are up, you've got your fuzzy blanket on...

(I usually use a sleep mask to block out light because I refuse to plunge the whole household

into darkness just because of my head pain, I love light even on migraine days, to a point anyhow!)

Sometimes you just have to relent and admit that you'll get squat done that day...

It's not easy for me, I am super stubborn & I love getting things done.

But here on the couch is a good place for me cause I have a big green shelf full of favorite do-da's

to look at, ha ha, (it's also about all the little tricks to get through the pain with a light heart too)!

It Takes Tenacity

I've been having such a hard time with my head-pain the past 2 or 3 weeks especially.
Migraines are SO physical but they are weird because they are invisible to everyone.
As much as you want people to understand your invisible physical torment they just can't
& it's all on you and you alone to get through it.
You have to jump through mental hoops to get yourself through
and often we're tackling those hoops freshly every single time.
I've been thinking about how I live and get through my days with all the pain,
not physically so much but emotionally...how am I am still a joyful person despite all the hardship?
I think one of my tricks to still being a happy person despite this physical hardship of mine is that

I never take for granted, no matter how many 100's of times I am stuck in a dark bedroom etc

those first hours when I can actually open my eyes and look at sunlight without stabbing pain,

When I can walk slowly in my beloved gardens & bend over to smell the flowers.

Where I don't want to puke when I inhale the air thick with beautiful lilacs.

Or most important of all, when I can get down to snuggle the buns and play with my hon or when I can get into my studio & actually look forward to work, no matter how short or long that may be.

I know all the little beauties that make me happy & which keep me afloat and I surround myself
with them & I rely very heavily on them during all parts of my pain, before, after & during.

It takes an awful lot of tenacity this life with chronic pain.

Life with chronic & acute pain is hell...there is currently no escape...

there is nothing I am doing wrong,
that's the misconception with migraines and headaches that I find so frustrating.

People are just trying to be sweet & helpful when they suggest that it's my diet or an allergy etc...

but migraines come from a misfiring in the brains network...

when the walls of certain blood vessels contract & detract & why they do so is unknown

and so there is currently no cure only pain management & for many of us nothing helps.
Yes, for sure there are triggers for the pain but most head pain sufferers know their triggers
and trust me on this, we avoid those triggers like the plaque if we can but my biggest trigger is
the weather & barometric pressure, the one thing there's no way to escape or avoid whatsoever!

So may I kindly ask you to keep in mind the next time your near someone with a sore head,
don't offer us diet advice or ask if they've tried Feverfew or the newest Advil etc...
(YES, I am on Feverfew...and Magnesium and CoQ10 and B's etc etc etc)

Don't praise the benefits of acupuncture or massage or tantric yoga!!!
(because most of us have tried everything under the sun!)

Just offer us a glass of flat ginger ale for our nausea tums...keep the rooms dark and quiet...
don't get mad at us or make us feel bad if we have to cancel plans on you,

just check in on us every once in awhile so we don't spiral in the lonesomeness,
maybe leave us a beautiful healthy pot of soup at the door...

offer us an ice pack to wrap around our neck and bring us a hot water bottle for our eyes...

give us a little hug, a pat on the back, admiration for our tenacious spirits

and count your lucky lucky stars that you don't suffer to!

Thank Goodness For These Faces During Rough Spots

I am moving slowly this week from a monster migraine that attacked Friday afternoon &

didn't let me go until late Sunday afternoon, I can still feel the remnants...

Thanks goodness for the buns who bolster my spirits as I suffer with their beauty & preciousness.

It's still threatening to circle back around which is one reason I am moving slowly.

My routine is certainly not like most peoples and I still haven't learnt to fully accept that yet.

Whiles it's a waste of time to wish this pain away, it's never a waste of time to see all the silver linings which is that this pain I deal with offers my life magic too, it slows me down so that I can smell all the roses and it plays a large part in my colourful whimsical work, so whiles I can't ever ever say that
I like the pain, I can for sure I am in some strange Wonderland-ish way be thankful for it!

& I gotta say though, it's been great 'meeting' fellow head pain sufferers on Instagram.

Studio Cleaning With Rabbits

I usually try to tidy my studios, upper and lower & prepare and plan for a fresh week ahead

on Fridays but sometimes, head-pain depending, I don't get it all done, so I tackle it on Mondays.

I love this part, it connects me to the spaces that I spend ALOT of time in

but I admit, I do get sidetracked an awful lot by all the adorable cute rabbits that inspire me!

Bunnies, Shadows & Beauty

Some days you just have to tell all the things on your to-do list to *#&@ off
because some days are just for playing your favorite music...basking in beautiful scents...

Snuggling up with you loved ones...petting sweet precious never here long enough soft bunnies...
& watching the slow passage of lovely shadows...I am taking more days like this, hope you are too.

Best Not To Think Of It!

I lost my whole weekend to a super bad migraine...I mean bad bad...

like on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst...Friday night I was at a 12 and I just couldn't

get to the hospital if I tried, let alone sit there in the emerg for goodness knows how long!

I wish so much there was a special protocol for migraine sufferers, there's enough of us out there!

It started easing up around Sunday 6pm but I've had to move like snail since then

as every time I forget and I move at a normal pace, the throbbing starts and threatens again...sigh...

I've been feeling blue to tell you the truth...how much time & energy I loose to this chronic pain...

Oh my fighting spirit is just on a hiatus, it will return, but until it does, it's best not to think of it!!!

My Inspiration In Jelly Bean

We had to bring Jaks into the vets this past week which we worked ourselves up over!
He wasn't sick past the usual congestive heart failure we've been battling for 2.5 years now
but the doctor needs to see him atleast once a year in order to renew his meds
and unfortunately but understandably our rabbit doctor doesn't do house calls.
He hates the truck, he hates change and we were so worried he would have a heart attack.

 
 

So we bundled him up in a basket with the softest blanket in the house and tried to stay calm...
It was hard on him, he did shake, his breathing wasn't great, it was uncomfortable but he did it.
I sat there looking at my oldest boy so impressed and I thought it's not just luck helping him last,
it's in large part his tough spirit & tenacity & I realized if he can do something difficult like this
than I can continue to navigate all of my pain with grace...he is a dose of inspiration plain & simple!

Weekend Planning

Saturdays or Sundays always find me in the studios for those are my days
to try to plan out what I hope to achieve the coming week.

(Sometimes I get sucked in for more than a short time even though I try to take weekends off)

Best laid plans are usually halted and slowed by chronic head pain but that's just part of my life.

Knowing what I want to achieve helps my spirit push past the negatives

and look forward to the possibilities of each new, hopefully pain-free days!