It Takes Tenacity

I've been having such a hard time with my head-pain the past 2 or 3 weeks especially.
Migraines are SO physical but they are weird because they are invisible to everyone.
As much as you want people to understand your invisible physical torment they just can't
& it's all on you and you alone to get through it.
You have to jump through mental hoops to get yourself through
and often we're tackling those hoops freshly every single time.
I've been thinking about how I live and get through my days with all the pain,
not physically so much but emotionally...how am I am still a joyful person despite all the hardship?
I think one of my tricks to still being a happy person despite this physical hardship of mine is that

I never take for granted, no matter how many 100's of times I am stuck in a dark bedroom etc

those first hours when I can actually open my eyes and look at sunlight without stabbing pain,

When I can walk slowly in my beloved gardens & bend over to smell the flowers.

Where I don't want to puke when I inhale the air thick with beautiful lilacs.

Or most important of all, when I can get down to snuggle the buns and play with my hon or when I can get into my studio & actually look forward to work, no matter how short or long that may be.

I know all the little beauties that make me happy & which keep me afloat and I surround myself
with them & I rely very heavily on them during all parts of my pain, before, after & during.

It takes an awful lot of tenacity this life with chronic pain.

Life with chronic & acute pain is hell...there is currently no escape...

there is nothing I am doing wrong,
that's the misconception with migraines and headaches that I find so frustrating.

People are just trying to be sweet & helpful when they suggest that it's my diet or an allergy etc...

but migraines come from a misfiring in the brains network...

when the walls of certain blood vessels contract & detract & why they do so is unknown

and so there is currently no cure only pain management & for many of us nothing helps.
Yes, for sure there are triggers for the pain but most head pain sufferers know their triggers
and trust me on this, we avoid those triggers like the plaque if we can but my biggest trigger is
the weather & barometric pressure, the one thing there's no way to escape or avoid whatsoever!

So may I kindly ask you to keep in mind the next time your near someone with a sore head,
don't offer us diet advice or ask if they've tried Feverfew or the newest Advil etc...
(YES, I am on Feverfew...and Magnesium and CoQ10 and B's etc etc etc)

Don't praise the benefits of acupuncture or massage or tantric yoga!!!
(because most of us have tried everything under the sun!)

Just offer us a glass of flat ginger ale for our nausea tums...keep the rooms dark and quiet...
don't get mad at us or make us feel bad if we have to cancel plans on you,

just check in on us every once in awhile so we don't spiral in the lonesomeness,
maybe leave us a beautiful healthy pot of soup at the door...

offer us an ice pack to wrap around our neck and bring us a hot water bottle for our eyes...

give us a little hug, a pat on the back, admiration for our tenacious spirits

and count your lucky lucky stars that you don't suffer to!

Peace & Pain

Sorry for disappearing there for a few days!  Posts may be a smidge sporadic this week, we'll see.

Head pain has been really bad.

I had a great two week run with next to nothing but the last 5 days have been really rough.

 

 

So time in the studios is being spent as well as it can possibly be spent!

The rest of the time I've mostly been snuggling it up with the buns...

cause for me, when I am dealing with this much pain, not much else is more soothing.

Kissing In Sunlight, What Could Be Better

With the winter sunshine usually comes a pounding head...

something about the barometric change and the blood vessels in my noggin just not liking it!

 

 

But the sunshine also brings out the cozy's & sleepies in the buns too

So, yep, I am good...even if I get nothing done today by snuggle up by these two.

Colour and Pain: A Realization

I've been sitting her most days of the last 2 weeks

with a pounding head, an aching wrist and a throbbing knee.

I am feeling a bit like how Flynn looks in this photo, ha ha!

(that being said, isn't this such a cool photo of him, I think I'll have to do a pastel of this one soon!)

 

I've been thinking about how many people out there are SO lucky that they don't get migraines.

I've been thinking how I am lucky because I could be much worse off...

I could have more troubles...bigger troubles...

even though these migraines feel pretty big to deal with a lot of the time!!!

 

I've also just begun to realize the correlation between my art & the pain I deal with...

suddenly it's seeming very clear.

...

I love colour, period.

I've been told many times to calm down my palette!

but I know I could never do that because

my spirit just thrives and flourishes with colour.

colour is just part of my heart and soul...part of what makes me happy.

Colour is simply a part of what makes me me.

 

 

BUT, I am also realizing that my use of super bright colour in my work

is also a way for me, body & soul, to cope with all this pain that I have.

(and also is a way to leap over & look ahead from all of the bad happening in the world).

 

I woke up this AM with a very sore head, a screaming wrist and such a sore knee that I wanted to cry!

but after those first few moments of waking and taking inventory of how my body was feeling

I had the strongest urge & need to get to my desk...

so I could sit and bask and relax within all my colours.

 

A knee that dislocates at the drop of a hat and which throbs every single day...

the really shitty and horrible chronic & acute migraines and headaches...

the repetitive stress disorder and insistent pain of my working wrist...

the shortened muscle in my shoulder that leads to a sensation of being stabbed over & over again...

the wrong curvature of my upper spine that leads to discomfort...

the giddy up in my hip...

the arthritis in my neck...

It all leads me to colour like a horse to water.

 

Colour...bright and pure and joyful...unbridled...uplifting...vibrant...transporting!

I just NEED it.

I rely on it, body & soul, because of the drudgery of all this pain...

and well, I just LOVE that despite the negative,

I have this amazing escape that no one can take away.

Colour saves me, it pulls me out of the negativity!

Even if sometimes the pain keeps me away from it for long periods...

when I get back to it the comfort is not one iota less.

Colour...

it's always there patiently waiting for me,

ready to engulf & lift me...waiting to soothe and embrace

and I love love love that.

 

XO

I'll Be Back On The 20th

Migraines & bad headaches have been seriously kicking my ass these last couple of weeks.

I've been trying to be stubborn & work through the pain but one night got so bad I almost called 911.

And now, I also have some tummy bug to contend with SOOO....

 

 

I am going to take a teeny tiny break from the blog to regroup my wits, patience, stamina

and all that good stuff that one needs in huge amounts to run a small indie business!

I'll be back...hmmm...let's say on October 20th.  See you again than.  XO

Sharing A Muddled Day...You Don't Mind Do You?

You know by now that here on this blog of mine,  I tend to keep to the joyful & cheerful.

You get yucky days.  I get yucky days.

But I always figure that if I am lucky enough to have you visit me here, I want to offer you

positive things like inspiration, joy, colour, whimsy, purity & sweetness...

if only but to momentarily take you away from your present muckiness.

I try not to complain or vent, it's not why I invite you here.

But, I am having one of those days where things are feeling muddled & messy.

One of those days where everything I touch screws up.

(Like my printer...I want to mercilessly murder it right now or at least kick it down the stairs!)

The smallest everyday studio task suddenly today feels like climbing a mountain with bad shoes on!

I am feeling stressed all the sudden when yesterday I was feeling blissful & balanced.

I know it's for all kinds of reasons,

poor sleep, headaches & allergies are contributing no doubt but really it's nothing in particular at all.

It's just one of those days...one of those days that every one gets.

Chaos of house renos is getting under my skin too.

I try not to dwell because I know how lucky we are to be doing house reno's at all.

To be making our sweet little home even lovelier is gratifying & great...I know this...I do.

 

Yet, dust covers everything.  Everything that I just cleaned!

One big thing leads to 10 small things before you can get back to getting that one big thing done!

With house reno's things always have to get worse before they get better, I know this too.
(it doesn't help that my upper studio is all messed up right now due to a big window installation we undertook last week! We can't decide on something, other things pulled us away, so it to sits undone).

It's just one of those days where my energy just isn't matching up with all that needs to get done.

I just wanna nap!

and truthfully my head is just abit too sore to be the 100% that I wanna be today!

But in writing all this, I realize, I am not complaining or venting or bitching, I am sharing & that's ok.

Because what's the point of blogs if we're not sharing from our authentic selves right!?

Maybe knowing that I am stuck in muckiness too will help you outta yours?  who knows!

And in writing this, it's focused me enough to realize that I need to stop.

I need to stop & go to the water.  Because being near water always soothes me.

How do I forget that though!  How on earth does that happen!

I am in the middle of messiness and dust, yes...but I'd really rather be nowhere else.

So, I am stopping...just for abit.

I am going to pop some codeine, grab a bottle of water & I am going to go sit by the water.

It'll help balance me & help me to steep in the gratitude that I should more easily be soaking up.

 

What do you do to get yourselves out of muddled times?

 



Inspiration: Part 1

I've been stepping away from my studio and desks abit more than normal the last couple of weeks.

I think I needed a break after my exhibition was hung.

And migraines have been absolutely horrible

I've had some degree of a sore head pretty much every single day for the past 2 months now

and the last 4 days, as a summer storm mounted, I spent mostly in a darkened bedroom.

I even had to leave my mom's b-day party early because I just got too dizzy & had to lie down.

It's been truthfully feeling really hard.

But it finally stormed last night and the pain started to ebb away

and today the pain has broke almost completely!

So I spent the day toggling happily between house cleaning and just roaming our beloved yard,

basking in the wind, letting it blow away the negative of these pain-ridden days...

(even as the pressure is once again building again in the back of my head!)

 

 

The whole time I could barely open my eyes I was found myself concentrating on 3 main things.

1) how insanely much I love my partner and how insanely lucky I am to have him

2) how much I love all of our 8 bunnies and how much they bring to my life

and 3) what pictures & projects I couldn't wait to tackle as soon as I was able to get back to work!

 

 

So than naturally, I got to thinking about inspiration...

what drives us to push past all of the hardships and crap?

 

 

Yesterday, we were watching a CF-18 roar across the sky above our little city.

It was just so very cool.

I couldn't help but think of the pilot in that plane...so amazingly impressive.

(Today is Canada's Armed Forces Appreciation Day...

so he was out practicing for this afternoon's performance).

 

 

I couldn't help but wonder what drives these impressive pilots to do what they do.

It can't be all that different from what drives me to want to create even in the midst of horrible pain.

It's such a beautiful thing isn't it?

Inspiration....

It takes so many different forms.

 

(the photos are of the Canadian Snowbirds. whom we saw a couple summers ago)

Inspiration...
it pushes a deeply passionate person to go up against all odds...
it let's us follow our hearts on a winding path...
it blindly leads us to a life of living our bliss.

it's SO grand, SO complex, SO Simple and such a Beautiful Thing.
and as elusive as inspiration can sometimes seem to be...I firmly believe it's always present.

What is Inspiring you today???



Ugh & A Promise

Ugh!
So sorry to disappear on you this past week.
This is the first time all week that I've been able to sit down at my computer!
Once again any forward momentum came to a stop...and you know I hate it when that happens!

Jinny was doing rather poorly again & needed to begin meds again...
BUT she's doing better again.

Flynn wasn't feeling well with an bad ICS flare up...
BUT he's doing better today also.

And I had a pounding head for almost a week straight & though the throbbing wasn't horrible,
it was just sore in the wrong spot, so I found myself completely useless & unable to concentrate
& just ended up resting and snuggling bunnies!
Sometimes this head pain just completely wears me out, jeez!

BUT today the pain has cleared...so far!
So I begin again!

New artwork coming next week...I PROMISE!!!

P.S.  My newsletter is about to be mailed out...want to receive it's whimsical goodness???
Just sign up Right Here. 



Lets Get Candid and Talk Abit About Migraines

Do you mind terribly if we take a small pause from Art, Bunnies & other Goodness

to talk about migraines and headaches?

It's been awhile since I last spoke about life with them.

 

Let me start by making it clear that while migraine headaches

do make up a very large part of my life and how I function in this life...

they are, by far, not all that I am, nor the biggest part of my life.

I still lead an amazing & abundant life despite the pain I live with.

 

Now, I don't have a sore head every single day.

Sometimes I can go a whole two weeks with next to no head pain...

(that's not common but still, it happens.)

But truth is, most of the time, I do have pain in my head to some degree.

They range from mild to puking bad, sometimes just for a few hours, sometimes for days on end.

 

Being a severe chronic & acute migraine sufferer is hard...

there is no reason to lie about it...

it sucks big time & yes, it's really awful at times.

I can get pretty down when I have good bouts with no pain because I realize just how much

I could achieve if I were not plagued with this problem.

But it's just something I have to deal with...

hopefully someday they'll just go away!  (That happens for a lot of women after menopause!)

For now, I try to work out a good balance of being super tough & working despite any pain

and also being easy on my body and taking care of myself the best I can when it gets too bad.

My stubborn side doesn't always do super well with stopping when I should of course, ha ha!

 

I have cycles.  Months where I do a lot better than others...

For me, right now, "better" usually means,  pain only 3 or 5 days a week instead of 7 days a week!

 

The thing I want people to understand about migraine sufferers

is that some people just get head pain, 

We aren't doing anything wrong necessarily.

It is just a health issue some people have to deal with....like asthma or fibromyalgia...

it just happens to you & you just have to deal with it the best way you can.

 

As my neurologist & doctor put it, I am just one of "The Cursed".

 

 

I don't ever want anyone to feel sorry for me.

That's not why I share this with you from time to time on this beloved blog of mine.

I share my story of pain and my struggle as an artist living with severe migraines because

I know I am not the only one out there dealing with it.

Millions of people suffer.  Some much more and some much less.

 

I've received such kind letters from people saying I am an inspiration to them & I love that...

I want to show fellow sufferers & everyone else that life can still be

amazing and beautiful and abundant despite the pain we suffer.

In fact in some round about way, my life is even that much sweeter because of the pain,

because I can see how the pain free days are that much more amazingly awesome and I can soooo appreciate them that much more.

Like everyone else...I can get stuck in the busy-ness of life,

But the pain forces me to slow down or halt to a full stop where I can see all the beauties in life,

The beauties that I may have been missing out on because I was too busy being busy!

 

One of my biggest problems though is that I have to be very flexible in my commitments..

 I am only human and only have so much energy...

the pain depletes that energy very quickly some days....

many times I have to change or cancel appointments and plans.

My circle of friends is very very small because most people

just can't be bothered to understand or have patience for me and my headaches.

 

But, some commitments are too important to break...

so I put on a strong smiling face to cover up the thundering storm raging in my head,

a lot of times people have no idea that I am standing there in front of them

on the verge of puking cause the pain is so sharp & deep.

Some commitments are worth going through that and sometimes there is no choice

Maybe it's a concert with tickets already purchased,  that you just can't miss...

or going to a shelter to adopt a rabbit!

or getting a picture done for a client...that's always top priority for me & I always seem to manage.

Or maybe it's a friends wedding & your the photographer!

Some things are worth the smiling face followed by the complete collapse in a dark room,

when I am back in the shelter of my sweet cozy home & in the gentle hands of my honey. 

But goodness knows, no matter how tough I want to be,

sometimes I just can't get out there as I want to.

I can't tell my best friend that I'll come visit for a week or two to help out with the new baby...

 because it's too hard to be out of the comfort of my own home when a bad bout strikes...

and I never know when they'll strike!

I find that part of being a sufferer very difficult to accept & almost worse to deal with than any pain.

 

 I want people to know that there is currently no cure for migraines,

only pain management and

sometimes even the best of meds don't help at all,

sometimes we just have to wait for the throbbing's to pass.

 

There are support groups...

Such as ACHE http://www.achenet.org/

The National Migraine Association http://www.migraines.org/

or The National Headache Foundation  http://www.headaches.org/

I tend not to take part in them but they are good for some people & it's nice to know they are there.

 

So next time your around someone who has a migraine or a headache (which can get just as bad)

Try not to say "Well have you tired this or have you tried that"

Chances are very good that we already have tried it and much more!

Try to not make the person feel as though they are broken or like it's our fault,

We most likely already feel broken & desperate to get rid of the pain even just alittle!

Just be gentle and understanding
and know your lucky if you don't suffer too.

Thanks for listening.
If your a fellow sufferer do get in touch & let's chat.

XO
 

 

Disappearing Act...Again!

Hi Everyone,

Wow!

I've managed to disappear unexpectedly from my blog again.  Sorry about that.

A two week long head pain marathon ran into my honey getting really sick and ending up in hospital

because he could barely breathe for his lungs & airways had gotten so congested...it was scary!

And that ordeal streamed right along into more head pain filled days for me

and then naturally my turn to get abit of a flu...

But all is getting better now, so I'll be showing you some new artwork very soon.

I'd like to say later today or tomorrow but for once I won't promise since my headaches and

migraines are in high gear these last few weeks and I've been able to get less done than

normal or even keep to a plan or schedule of any sort.

BUT...

my Jonathan is okay now and safe and sound at home...

The first words out of his mouth when I was finally able to see him a few hours later in the triage room was "Oh there you are, I missed you and I miss my rabbits, I want to go home I need to see them" awww.

So even though I am writing this with a still pounding head

and I am pretty sure it'll likely be sore again tomorrow!

(I head to a neurologist very soon...slightly nervous!)

my honey is back home and on his way to healthy again, so all is right in my world

...and I have no complaints.

And I am just really excited about showing you all some new work,

I've been working on so many things.

So do hop in for a visit again really soon so you can see all the new goodies, okay?

XO Mandy

Incommunicado

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to unexpectedly disappear on you all for several days.

Once again, everything screeches to a painful and annoyingly sudden halt

as I suffer through another week of cluster migraines.

I've been getting extensive acupuncture treatments but it hasn't cured me quite yet.

I've been unable to get to any artwork, to my computer or to the blog...

let alone anything else past taking care of the buns & my poor noggin....

Ugh, it's not been a good several days.

The pain continues today,

So I as I type this my head is just pounding on the entire right side

(the side that always renders me completely useless when it's throbbing)

and now I must scurry back to my cocoon of a duvet and my heat and ice packs.

I just wanted to let you all know I am still here...just temporarily incommunicado!

I'll be back with you all with some new artwork and super sweet bun pics as soon as I possibly can.

XO Mandy

P.S. The acupuncture has worked wonders for my wrist, YAYYYYY.

Head Pain Struggles & Bunny Snuggles

I TRY not to complain about my life as a chronic/acute migraine sufferer too much because of 2 reasons a)I know I could have alot worse to deal and b) Unless a person suffers them themselves, they just don't understand what it's like.  But I mention my struggle with them here on this beloved blog of mine from time to time, because well, they really do very heavily weigh into and affect my creative life/business.  The last few weeks, I've really been struggling & at this point (as many many times before) I am feeling extremely fed up and frustrated.  I know my doctors have said time and time again that these migraines are just part of my physiology and something I had to learn to deal with but I am honestly feeling like I've reached the end of my usually very strong & tough tether.  I feel like screaming 'ENOUGH PAIN, ENOUGH NOW'.  I am so jazzed about so many things I am trying to do, but I keep getting pulled back from all this head pain. And, what bugs me almost more than the pain is the nausea that comes fast & furious because the pain is so intense & constant....& I am a trooper when it comes to the head pain trust me, but I am a complete suck when it comes to my tummy turning...UGH. 

The extra crappy thing is that I have many triggers which include: Allergies (especially to smoke) sinus, stress, a shortened muscle in my left shoulder, Osgood Slater's disease in my knees (which is a fancy name to say my knees dislocate very easily), there is the fact that my upper spine is curved the wrong way and that I have arthritis in my neck from the years & years of being bent over artwork BUT the biggest culprit to wreck havoc on my poor noggin is barometric pressure & weather changes, which has been an extra nasty roller coaster lately & which my trusty little codeine pills won't help.

 I find when I endure pain, days on end with no relief in sight, one of the only soothing things that buoys me is oodles of BUNNY SNUGGLES.

Jinster is one of the best snuggle buddies around & I just had to share these photos Jon took of us just last week, for I love them oh so much...



Doesn't she just have the prettiest eyes...

I've been holding this frustration in for awhile, alas I am done holding it in...this blog of my is suppose to be a place of honesty & authenticity after all.

I have a couple new pieces to show you including a Northern cousin of the 'Beautiful Birds' & he's so anxious to say Hello, however, my scanner has decided to revolt, I've not been able to scan any new pieces in & the search to replace it is not going well!

XO a pain-riddled Bijou & My Snuggle Bun Jin