Chronic Life Silver Linings

So with a neurological disease in the form of chronic migraines
and a disease of the nervous system in the form of fibromyalgia,
Some days I really really struggle...well let me be truthful, most days I struggle.
I TRY to see my body as a magical and intelligent vehicle but often I hate this body of mine...

not for how it looks but for how it feels & makes me struggle & fight just to have a normal day.

I am really struggling still with the fact that I now have two chronic pain illnesses.  1 was enough!

On days when I need to be extra strong for my loved ones, like during our many hospitals visits,

I often feel like I am falling short because I am suffering so much myself.
It often feels like by the time I deal with what's happening on the inside of me,
I just don't have enough energy left to deal with all the crap that's going on on the outside of me.

I worry I am not giving enough to others and I am really struggling with that sense of weakness.
Especially since my husbands cancer diagnosis. I feel like I have to be stronger than ever before
but the truth of it is, I've never ever felt so weak in my whole life.

BUT all that being said, I am also feeling quite uncharacteristically unapologetic.
I have been zoning in on my priorities because I have to shave the nonsense away.
I am concentrating on; taking care of me, my family and my art business (because it's been put on the back burner the last year or so and that's not feeling okay with me whatsoever, I believe in my work).

Since my loves cancer diagnosis and since my own diagnosis's,
I can now more clearly focus on what's important in my days &
I am finding I can let the shit go easier, either that or I am just not putting myself so near it anymore!
There's a streamlining of priorities happening & that's a really good thing, a silver lining if you will.

And because of it, the streamlining I mean,
I have been able to find just a smidgen more energy to give....
to myself, to my loved ones &  to my business...
it's happening, there's movement and that's heartening.
It's still hard...some days are harder than others.

Because when I open my eyes to just how debilitating each of these diseases are all on their own,
let alone together, sometimes all the facts push me down, wayyy down
& it takes me awhile to crawl my way back up again!
BUT it's all a 'work in progress' & I am happy to share my struggles along the way.

Fibro Flares

I am still really struggling with my diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

It's a game of what is the fibro, what is a flare up and what is something else to worry about.

On top of my chronic head pain it just feels like too much for my body to deal with

and now with my husband going through cancer,

there are days when I want to scream at the top of my lungs 'Enough...I can't take anymore..."

I need to be extra physically strong for both of us right now, for the rabbits too but

usually it's my honey who is the strong one, and the one who takes care of me & of us when I can't...

yet some days, after the pain, I am left with hardly enough energy to get by,

so I have really been struggling.

I can't tell you how I dream of someone kind, recognizing our hard time

& just leaving a pot of vegan soup on our doorstep to help us out!

I have also been dealing with a really really sore hip.

My doctor said it was likely bursitis of the hip

so last week I got a cortisone injection but it hasn't helped whatsoever.

And I am disappointed because I really needed a quick fix on this one for a change!

The pain keeps me up at night & grates on me all day long.  I am left again wanting to scream.

I am going to start physiotherapy soon, but I want/need a solution like yesterday.

And this is the thing I am finding tricky with the fibromyalgia...

I left this hip pain way way too long.

I just was assuming it was part of the fibro.

And when my head is sore all the damn time, on top of my love, on top of sick rabbits,

I just don't want to go for another appointment so I tell myself 'you'll heal' or 'it'll go away'.

And there is my lesson, don't assume everything is the fibromyalgia...

Ugh...why can't this little body of mine take it easy on me for a change!

A Home For The Pain

Just a day back in summer when I had a wretched time with like a two week migraine...

I was hiding from the sun during the day & looked forward to dimly lite time on the deck at night.

Other people might not 'get' this house of ours but it embraces us so fully.
We both work so very hard making this place cozy for exactly these kind of pain-riddled times.