Prsent In Pain

This has been a hard week...well a hard month really.
The weather is my biggest trigger & it's been very constantly up and down.

I've spent more time horizontal than standing up being productive this past week...
which I find really difficult because whiles sure the pain sucks big time, I love getting things done.

BUT as much as it sucks, I think I am still mostly able to be 'present' in my life
during and despite the pain and I really do think that that attitude of 'being present', helps me out.

It's a scary statistic of something like 40% of migraine sufferers also suffer from serious depression.
But I think I stay away from getting too down by being "present".
How do I do that even when in great amounts of pain?

I make sure I am concentrating on all the beautiful things happening around me as I am suffering.
Even if I can't open my eyes, I make my ears zone in on the 'happy sounds' like;
my honey moving about the house & having a whole conversation with one of the 9 buns;
Stacks of books by the bed that I can jump into as soon as the pain passes;
The sound of the buns eating or my hon cooking is one of the best sound whether I am in pain or not.
I think about a new image I can't wait to make progress on once I can get back into the studio.
I stay present by basking in the beauty of all the sweetness around me despite the pain...
like knowing when one of the buns is on the bed and reaching out to touch a warm precious body.
The buns keep me present, they are like angels, literally standing over me concerned, watching, loving, supporting, waiting for me to get back to my normal self
and no amount of pain can knock the beauty of that away from me.

I might have a life riddled with difficult pain sure

but my oh my there's so so much beauty mixed in there as well....SO much.

Chop Chop For Head Rubs

I chopped off all my hair back in the summer...

I never worry about cutting my hair, it's just hair & it grows like a weed.

 Even though my hair is super thick & heavy, chopping it off does not help my head-pain at all BUT
it does for sure make life easier in regards to massages and head rubs for my migraines.

A Home For The Pain

Just a day back in summer when I had a wretched time with like a two week migraine...

I was hiding from the sun during the day & looked forward to dimly lite time on the deck at night.

Other people might not 'get' this house of ours but it embraces us so fully.
We both work so very hard making this place cozy for exactly these kind of pain-riddled times.

I am Back!

Hey guys, sorry for that really long unplanned absence.

I am back and my goodness I've missed this blog of mine!

I was away for a few reasons but the main one was just simply that

life has been kicking my ass lately!

Long story short,

my migraine life got really bad and at the same time I took part in the Migraine Summit

which was pretty overwhelming for me as I don't think I've ever fully accepted how much

my life as a migraineur affects me, so for lack of better words,

I kinda went into a mourning for lost dreams (more on that later on).

Than I let all kinds of stress from all kinds of directions hit me and pile up

and my body got pretty darn sick let me tell you...I ended up in the hospital on two occasions

and just a couple weeks ago was experiencing a very scary heart issue...all due to stress.

Another big point of stress for me has been being a vegan in a very cruel uncaring non-vegan world

(more on that later too for that's a pretty big issue!).

I have also been diagnosed with a new thing that I am not quite ready to chat about yet

as I am still accepting it and processing it...it's nothing horrible, just something I'll have to deal with.

Than our Flynn got very sick for about a month & we thought we would lose him.

And this happened not even a month after we lost our Henrie to a heart attack.

And in between all of that my sweet sweet man has been having problems with his ears

and we've been dealing with long sleepless nights on the floors etc with stasis and gas

in mostly Leisel and Misa, who are prone to these problems...

Life with so many rescues is always rewarding but hardly ever very easy.

But I am feeling Spring full now...I am soaking in the birdsong...

looking forward to a new season with hopefully very little drama and losses

and a new season with a much stronger grip on how I let stress rattle me!

So start visiting me here again okay...I am back...and I have so much to share XOXO

It Takes Tenacity

I've been having such a hard time with my head-pain the past 2 or 3 weeks especially.
Migraines are SO physical but they are weird because they are invisible to everyone.
As much as you want people to understand your invisible physical torment they just can't
& it's all on you and you alone to get through it.
You have to jump through mental hoops to get yourself through
and often we're tackling those hoops freshly every single time.
I've been thinking about how I live and get through my days with all the pain,
not physically so much but emotionally...how am I am still a joyful person despite all the hardship?
I think one of my tricks to still being a happy person despite this physical hardship of mine is that

I never take for granted, no matter how many 100's of times I am stuck in a dark bedroom etc

those first hours when I can actually open my eyes and look at sunlight without stabbing pain,

When I can walk slowly in my beloved gardens & bend over to smell the flowers.

Where I don't want to puke when I inhale the air thick with beautiful lilacs.

Or most important of all, when I can get down to snuggle the buns and play with my hon or when I can get into my studio & actually look forward to work, no matter how short or long that may be.

I know all the little beauties that make me happy & which keep me afloat and I surround myself
with them & I rely very heavily on them during all parts of my pain, before, after & during.

It takes an awful lot of tenacity this life with chronic pain.

Life with chronic & acute pain is hell...there is currently no escape...

there is nothing I am doing wrong,
that's the misconception with migraines and headaches that I find so frustrating.

People are just trying to be sweet & helpful when they suggest that it's my diet or an allergy etc...

but migraines come from a misfiring in the brains network...

when the walls of certain blood vessels contract & detract & why they do so is unknown

and so there is currently no cure only pain management & for many of us nothing helps.
Yes, for sure there are triggers for the pain but most head pain sufferers know their triggers
and trust me on this, we avoid those triggers like the plaque if we can but my biggest trigger is
the weather & barometric pressure, the one thing there's no way to escape or avoid whatsoever!

So may I kindly ask you to keep in mind the next time your near someone with a sore head,
don't offer us diet advice or ask if they've tried Feverfew or the newest Advil etc...
(YES, I am on Feverfew...and Magnesium and CoQ10 and B's etc etc etc)

Don't praise the benefits of acupuncture or massage or tantric yoga!!!
(because most of us have tried everything under the sun!)

Just offer us a glass of flat ginger ale for our nausea tums...keep the rooms dark and quiet...
don't get mad at us or make us feel bad if we have to cancel plans on you,

just check in on us every once in awhile so we don't spiral in the lonesomeness,
maybe leave us a beautiful healthy pot of soup at the door...

offer us an ice pack to wrap around our neck and bring us a hot water bottle for our eyes...

give us a little hug, a pat on the back, admiration for our tenacious spirits

and count your lucky lucky stars that you don't suffer to!

Thank Goodness For These Faces During Rough Spots

I am moving slowly this week from a monster migraine that attacked Friday afternoon &

didn't let me go until late Sunday afternoon, I can still feel the remnants...

Thanks goodness for the buns who bolster my spirits as I suffer with their beauty & preciousness.

It's still threatening to circle back around which is one reason I am moving slowly.

My routine is certainly not like most peoples and I still haven't learnt to fully accept that yet.

Whiles it's a waste of time to wish this pain away, it's never a waste of time to see all the silver linings which is that this pain I deal with offers my life magic too, it slows me down so that I can smell all the roses and it plays a large part in my colourful whimsical work, so whiles I can't ever ever say that
I like the pain, I can for sure I am in some strange Wonderland-ish way be thankful for it!

& I gotta say though, it's been great 'meeting' fellow head pain sufferers on Instagram.

Tenacious Times

I don't think we have much more time with our Jelly-Bean Jaks...

But he's still eating and pooping and moving around so we're still going to help him keep going.

I am spending alot of time at home and in my upper studio which I share with him.
He's happiest when I am in the studio with him working away with our music playing
(and lavender and peppermint oil misting away from our diffuser...he likes essential oil diffusers)

I've been kinda feeling like my heart is going to burst...
ugh...this part is hard...
What is harder?  Saying goodbye slowly or not having a chance to say goodbye??
I don't know but I do know one thing, this little soul is as tenacious and tough as they come

and I am just grateful that he's seeing his 3rd Spring now since being diagnosed

with congestive heart failure...his tenacity in spirit & body inspires me to better deal with my illness.