Yarrow For The Buns

Just lovely Lydia

checking out all the dried yarrow we brought in from the garden last Fall.

That's one thing I love about bunnies the best...

their constant inquisitive natures...they are always intrigued by new things.

Fibro Flares

I am still really struggling with my diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

It's a game of what is the fibro, what is a flare up and what is something else to worry about.

On top of my chronic head pain it just feels like too much for my body to deal with

and now with my husband going through cancer,

there are days when I want to scream at the top of my lungs 'Enough...I can't take anymore..."

I need to be extra physically strong for both of us right now, for the rabbits too but

usually it's my honey who is the strong one, and the one who takes care of me & of us when I can't...

yet some days, after the pain, I am left with hardly enough energy to get by,

so I have really been struggling.

I can't tell you how I dream of someone kind, recognizing our hard time

& just leaving a pot of vegan soup on our doorstep to help us out!

I have also been dealing with a really really sore hip.

My doctor said it was likely bursitis of the hip

so last week I got a cortisone injection but it hasn't helped whatsoever.

And I am disappointed because I really needed a quick fix on this one for a change!

The pain keeps me up at night & grates on me all day long.  I am left again wanting to scream.

I am going to start physiotherapy soon, but I want/need a solution like yesterday.

And this is the thing I am finding tricky with the fibromyalgia...

I left this hip pain way way too long.

I just was assuming it was part of the fibro.

And when my head is sore all the damn time, on top of my love, on top of sick rabbits,

I just don't want to go for another appointment so I tell myself 'you'll heal' or 'it'll go away'.

And there is my lesson, don't assume everything is the fibromyalgia...

Ugh...why can't this little body of mine take it easy on me for a change!

Monday Inking

I can't promise you or myself that this week will be a productive one in the studio...

BUT I sure can promise you and myself that I sure will try my hardest to make it so!

Healing With Buns

Just a cozy weekend staying inside hiding from all the freezing wet snow & rain.

How about you?

We have an awful lot of healing to do the two of us oh my goodness

and we figure whose better to do that alongside than 9 amazing inspirational rescue buns.

Progress On Min's Lino

Making progress...

I can't wait to do a test print.

Moments Of Beauty

I have always been the kind of person to steep in the beauty of simple things...

Now more than ever, since my husbands cancer diagnosis, I am soaking in beauty amidst the stress.

Chop Chop For Head Rubs

I chopped off all my hair back in the summer...

I never worry about cutting my hair, it's just hair & it grows like a weed.

 Even though my hair is super thick & heavy, chopping it off does not help my head-pain at all BUT
it does for sure make life easier in regards to massages and head rubs for my migraines.

Dust to Dust

Guys look...I found the coolest little urn for Jaky's ashes...

it has two compartments in it actually.

The ashes are inside a silk bag & some of his fur in the smaller compartment.  It sits on my big studio art display shelf because he was always with me in my studio & will always forever inspire my work.

It's Back

The night of my honeys' 2nd surgery, I came home to find Flynn's head tilted & right eye

constantly scanning and I said "FUCK" because

a) I knew instantly that his ear infection was back and

b) it couldn't have come back with any worse timing, I was completely exhausted.

I called the vet right away, it was 12:30 at night and he didn't agree that it was an emergency

BUT we know our rabbits, we've seen just how fast the infection spread in Flynn last time.

So I had to disagree with the doctor and insist for an emergency visit (and yes that cost $300)

because whiles I do not want to piss our trusted vet off etc,

I will always first & foremost advocate for the animals under our care

and I knew waiting all night to get meds into him would just make things worse for Flynn.

So by 1am, with my honey worrying from his hospital bed,

I was at the animal hospital with the vet administering the meds Flynn needed.

He looked bad & wouldn't eat for over a week but just started eating today actually, YAY.

He was completely stressing me out though because he started to give us a really hard time

when it came to the critical care feedings. He's already 9, he's already skinny

and we couldn't afford not to have food in him tummy,

especially with such a strong antibiotic dose going in every 12 hours.

I don't know why the timing is always like this...

just when you feel like your at your ropes end, that's exactly when one of the rabbits will get sick!

The night of the first surgery, our newest rescue showed up (more on that soon).

The morning of the 2nd surgery, Leisel wasn't eating...then Flynn that night

(when I should have been checking myself into the ER for my heart, more on that later too!).

The other night we were tired from all the stress of what Jonathan is going through and were so

looking forward to crawling into bed early & of course, guess what!

Misa wouldn't eat so we were up with her ALL night.

This rescue life it hard...

and I could do without all the sleepless nights but even now going through everything we're going through with Jonathan, we curse often yes absolutely, but really at the end of the day,

we wouldn't want to be doing anything else, caring for these amazing animals together is just "us".
It's really unfortunate and sad that other people don't see the magic in it all.

Fox Goddess

And because my honey wants everything to 'be normal', that means me getting back into my studio.

So here's something underway, an inkpen on paper of a cool foxy goddess...I am liking it so far.

The C Word

I keep sitting down to write this post but I just never really know how to word things.
Sure I announced it already briefly on Facebook and Instagram however
things always feel more personal here on my beloved blog
so I am just going to rip the band-aid off...

because I am still in complete surreal shock that the "C" word is now suddenly part of our life!

My amazing gorgeous husband was diagnosed with high-grade aggressive cancer on December 12,
the day after his 44th birthday.

That's why I haven't been blogging.  That's why I may continue to post sporadically.
Absolutely everything is upside down.
We've had months on end of awful bad luck...it feels like someones put a curse on us honestly!!!
This has had a tectonic effect on our lives as much as we don't want to admit that it hasn't.
Everything feels surreal...everything normal feels wrong even though he wants normal.
We have done everything right, we don't smoke, drink, eat meat etc etc etc...
why us?  why him??
I am full of anger like never before...
I am having a hard time being near anyone who gets to move on with life normally without cancer...
which really essentially feels like everyone!  I keep counting just how many people I know and
it's striking me over & over again just how many people don't have to go through this and it's
making it even more difficult to not constantly ask "Why Jonathan", "Why Us?"
I just don't understand and I am feeling extremely alone and completely exhausted already.

It started back in September with a foot injury.
That foot injury a week later lead to two pulmonary embolisms
which landed him in the Critical Care Unit
where he could have died had one of those clots went to his heart instead of his lungs.
They did SO many tests.  They took SO much blood...we thought that was the scariest part.
When we walked out of there weary but saying "Atleast we know you don't have any kind of cancer".
But the problems kept coming.  Then there were blood thinners.
And countless more visits to the ER, ACU & CDU...

Doctors started throwing around the word Cancer around November & we just didn't believe them.

But then a scope (which should have been done last February and I think we should sue our old doctors for negligence!) showed a tumor growing on the lower left inside of his bladder.

That's all I am going to say today...we are smack dab in the middle of the story now.
Two resections have been done already.  They've been really hard,
especially because my honey has a high tolerance to pain-meds & nothing really helps him..
It's also been an endless torturous amount of waiting on results...that continues...
The fear is paralyzing.
I am tired of everyone telling me 'not to worry'...it's cancer, it's the scariest thing we've ever faced.
But as my love says "we're going to fight like a rabbit to beat this fucken thing".
And because he wants 'normal' I am trying to get into my studios and work but really I just find I sit there and stare off into space...wondering over and over again "Why Us"...
Why him?  There we were happily as can be, not wanting anything more than our time together,
to be in our cozy little home together, with our family of rescue rabbits...WHY US???
Knowing that cancer is completely indiscriminate and random doesn't help out whatsoever.